


A Dumb Primus Fic

by Sgt_Krinkle



Category: Metallica, Primus (Band)
Genre: M/M, This Is STUPID, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-06 19:25:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17945693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sgt_Krinkle/pseuds/Sgt_Krinkle
Summary: I just wrote this for fun. It's a stupid "crack fic." So enjoy I guess.





	A Dumb Primus Fic

**Author's Note:**

> Don't take this seriously!! This is all for jokes. This community needed Primus fanfictions, so here's one. Anyways, enjoy.

"YO, WHERE'S MY WINE AND POT, BITCHES?!" An angry Les Claypool shouted.

"I HAVE NO FUCKIN' IDEA!! I DON'T TOUCH YOUR GAY INFESTED SHIT!!!" A twink- I mean Larry LaLonde replied.

""yO, wHeRe'S mY wInE aNd PoT, bItChEs?!"" A penguin- dammit- I meant Tim Alexander mocked.

Les stomped over to Tim, fish slapped him, and walked away.

"WHERE DID YOU FIND A DAMN FISH?!" Tim said in disbelief.

"I fish a lot...I'm fucking Aquaman." Les smirked.

"Die, liberal." Ler crossed his arms.

"That's a little harsh, Ler," Les answered while lifting up a couch cushion, "Ohp, I found the wEEd." 

"Your wine's in the fridge like usual, gay bastard." Tim scoffed.

"Hey, you're gay, too!" Les opened the fridge and picked up his wine.

"Yeah, but he loves me. AT LEAST I WAS WANTED!!" Ler laughed.

Tim laughed along and gave Ler a hug. 

"Oouucchh, that hurt, Larry!" Les ran into his bedroom, weed and wine in hand, crying.

"That shows him." Tim chuckled and gave Ler a kiss.

"Tiimmm, he knows that he's gay...right? He's dating Kirk." Ler added.

"Yeah, I hope." 

Minutes later, a drunk and high Colonel came tumbling into the room.

He was gonna say "hi" to Tim and Ler, but they were outside.

Tim was pushing Ler on a swing.

So, Colonel Claypool's Chicken™ walked outside in search of his bandmates.

"Hhheeeyyyy, Laaarryy, Tiimmootthhyy!!" Les stumbled his way to Ler and Les.

"Ugh, be gone, THOT!" Ler yelled at Les.

"But Leerrryy, I came out here for yyoouu!!!" Leslie has been trying to flirt with Ler since God knows when.

Tim, on the other hand, gets fucking furious when Les does these kinds of things.

"WHERE'S MY RAPE WHISTLE, TIMMY?!" Ler, in his state of fear, cried.

"Les, for the 8th time this week! Step back from, Larry!!! He's fuckin mine!" Tim pushed Les away.

"But Hheeerrrbbbb, Ler's cute! And he's in need for some CCC." Les made his famous smirk.

"What the hell does....'CCC' stand for?" Tim asked, hesitant.

"Colonel Claypool's COCK™!" Les laughed.

Ler hugged Tim and cried in his chest.

Tim picked up Les and YEETED him in the middle of the road.

Tim is not human, I tell ya.

"Shh, shh. It's ok, Ler. He's gone now." Tim shot Les the dirtiest look ever.

"Whaatt? It's not my fa-" Out of fuckin no-where, a speeding pick-up truck hit Les full force.

It didn't stop and kept going.

Ler screamed and ran over to Les. Tim followed.

"TIM, OH MY GOD! IS HE DEAD?!?!" Ler started shaking 

Tim crouched down and checked his pulse.

"His heart is still beating." Tim responded with a sigh.

"VICTORY ROYALE!!" Ler started to default dance on Les's body.

"LARRY, THIS IS NO TIME FOR STUPID FUCKIN FORTNITE DANCES!!! OUR FRIEND IS INJURED!!!" Tim picked up Les.

Ler frowned, and the two rushed to the hospital.

Tim checked Les in, and a nurse and him ran into a room.

Meanwhile, Ler sat in the waiting room, swinging his legs.

Suddenly, a female nurse walked up to him.

"Hi, there. My name is Betty. What's yours?" Betty asked.

Ler, not comfortable around strangers, stuttered a bit, "M-My name is L-Larry."

"Nice to meet you, Larry. Are you alone?" The nurse was clearly hitting on Ler.

Why the fuck does everyone want to hit on Ler? I understand he's adorable, but STILL.

"N-No, my boyfriend and f-friend are in a room...my friend g-got hit by a car." Ler played with his fingers.

"Awh, I'm sorry to hear that. If you need to talk, I'm here." The nurse rubbed Ler's chest.

Panicking, Ler grabbed his rape whistle and blew it.

A piercing screech was heard all throughout the building.

Tim came naruto running as fast as fuckin sonic.

Tim picked up Ler and hugged him.

Tim growled at the nurse.

Her eyes were wide, stepped back, and walked away.

"Are you ok, Larry? Did she hurt you?" Tim glared at the nurse.

Ler nodded and hugged Tim.

Tim walked Ler into the room where Colonel Claypool was in.

"I'm sorry to say this, but....your friend is dead..." The doctor hung his head low.

Ler gasped and started to cry into Tim's chest.

"Oh wait, wrong room. Your guys' friend is ok. He's just in a coma." The doctor corrected himself.

"For how long?" Ler questioned.

"We don't know."

"How will we break the news to Kirk?" Tim wasn't entirely sure that Les was in a coma.

He could be sleeping.

But that's basically what a coma is...

Anyways, the doctor left Ler and Tim alone with Les.

The door was shut, but the blinds were open.

"Les, I know you're sleeping. Wake up." Ler tapped Les's hand.

No response.

"WAKE UP, YOU COCKSUCKER!!!" Tim yelled at Les.

Again, no response.

"Tim, I hope he wakes up. How will Primus go on without him? How would Kirk feel about this?" Ler sighed.

"Knowing him, he'll be ok." Tim kissed Ler.

A few minutes of kissing, the two got frisky.

Clothes were thrown around and moans were spilt.

After a hot, secksi moment, Ler and Tim were just in their boxers.

Out of the blue, Les sat up, breathing heavily.

Ler squealed, they got their clothes on, and the doctors came running in.

"Oh cool, he's alive. That's pretty lit." The doctor picked up Tim, Ler, and Les and threw them out of the hospital.

"I'm alive!" Les shouted.

"...sadly...I mean what?" Ler walked away.

Tim and Les caught up with Ler.

They all teleported back home.

"Speaking of that, I don't know who you guys are." Les added.

"What do you mean? We're your bandmates and your best friends." Tim said.

"Ooh, well, I can't remember-" Ler interrupted Les's sentence.

"ANYTHING, CAN'T TELL IF THIS IS TRUE OR DREAM, DEEP DOWN INSIDE I FEEL TO SCREAM!! THIS TERRIBLE SILENCE STOPS IN ME!!" Ler, magically, grew longer hair, a beard, and gained his guitar.

"Ler, baby, no. It's cute, but no time for Metallica." Tim snapped his fingers and Ler's long hair, beard, and guitar disappeared.

Ler shed a few a tears. 

"Ler? What kind of name is that?" Les snickered.

"It's my nickname, dumbass! My real name is Larry, and I'm the guitarist for the band you're in!!" 

"Ooh, what about him?" Les pointed to Tim.

"I'm Tim, but you call me "Herb" a lot." Tim replied.

"Are you the drummer?" Les asked.

"Yes."

"Ler, you're pprreettyy cute!" Les was going to hug Ler, but Ler blew his special Rape Whistle.

Yeah, Ler has a fucking Rape Whistle for Les specifically.

Kirk came sprinting down the street.

"LES, I TOLD YOU TO FUCKIN STOP HARASSING LER!!" Kirk slapped Les.

"One, ow, two, who are you?" Les asked.

"I'm your boyfriend! How would you forget that?!"

"Kirk, he got drunk and high, ran into the middle of the road, got hit by a pick-up truck, and was gonna coma for like an hour." Tim stated.

"Now he can't remember anything." Ler shrugged.

"I'll help him." Kirk took Les's hand and they walked away.

"Soooo.....now what?" Ler sat on the couch.

"Pretend like this never happened, I guess." Tim hugged Ler.

And to this day, Ler, Tim, nor Les ever brought this day up.

The moral of this story...plot...fanfiction...whatever this is, is that don't let Les get drunk and high at the same time.

Fin.


End file.
